Goodbye to you

"Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything that I knew." I was listening to that song by Michelle Branch and it hit home for me. It can be really hard being a single parent, sharing custody of your children with an ex - a person you no longer know as you used to. A person you may no longer be friends with. A person whom you may not recognize at all as the person you once knew and fell in love with.

Getting over lost love is difficult; getting over lost love when you still have to have contact with the person can be like re-opening a wound over and over and over again. Just when you think you are healed, you have to see them again, engage with them again, argue again, be reminded of your past hurt again.

Or do you? When I was listening to that song, I finally heard, really heard, the line "Goodbye to everything that I knew." Because that's what happens when we break-up with someone we loved- we say goodbye to what we knew. We say goodbye to what we believed was true, but is no longer. We say goodbye to the reality that was but doesn't exist anymore.

For me, finally appreciating that all that I had, all that I lived when I was married and all that I loved when I first fell in love, was no longer true was a relief. Everything that I believed, everything I felt, all of the assumptions I made about what my life was- who loved me and how he loved me and why he loved me and why we were married and why we laughed together and supported each other- all of those wonderful things that I thought were my life, no longer exist. It's all in the past. He is no longer that person to me and I am not to him. I can let that go. I can say goodbye to that reality and embrace what exists today. I can release what I felt and believed and loved and hated and appreciated and missed and I can trade it all for the fullness of my life today; a life where he is on the periphery only. My life is of my own doing now. My life is for me and about me to live and love and dance and scream and cry and sing. And I can let go of the past because it is no longer. But I still am.

This is the life.
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