I just ran into my ex-husband and his now-girlfriend/then-mistress at the store today. I wish I could say I was a big enough person to say "Hello" and "How are you" to the two of them, but I just couldn't. Seeing them together is hard. Maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe I should be "over it". Maybe a lot of things, but the reality is that it still hurts.
It hurts that he turned to someone else when he should have turned to me. It hurts that he is not the person I thought he was. It hurts that he has found someone and I am still searching. It hurts that this other person who was such a large factor in our marriage remains in our lives. It hurts that I can't be the person who can just shrug things off and move on immediately.
But I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person who is sad that her marriage ended but grateful to be out of an unhappy situation. I want to be the person who can move on with her life but whose heart still feels that betrayal upon being faced with it. I want to be the person who doesn't wallow in the pain each day but who never forgets how deeply you can be hurt and how far she has come away from it.
And because I am that person, I can take from my marriage and its demise and I can learn. And because I am that person I can pick up my dignity and my broken heart and I can walk toward someone who deserves me and in whose light I can revel. And because I am that person I may have been knocked down, but I will not be knocked out. And because I am that person I will not deny my sadness and anger, but I will not be ruled by it. And because I am that person I will pick myself up from my knees and I will hold on for dear life and I will turn my face to the sun and I will know that something better lies ahead.
This is the life.
-a
It hurts that he turned to someone else when he should have turned to me. It hurts that he is not the person I thought he was. It hurts that he has found someone and I am still searching. It hurts that this other person who was such a large factor in our marriage remains in our lives. It hurts that I can't be the person who can just shrug things off and move on immediately.
But I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person who is sad that her marriage ended but grateful to be out of an unhappy situation. I want to be the person who can move on with her life but whose heart still feels that betrayal upon being faced with it. I want to be the person who doesn't wallow in the pain each day but who never forgets how deeply you can be hurt and how far she has come away from it.
And because I am that person, I can take from my marriage and its demise and I can learn. And because I am that person I can pick up my dignity and my broken heart and I can walk toward someone who deserves me and in whose light I can revel. And because I am that person I may have been knocked down, but I will not be knocked out. And because I am that person I will not deny my sadness and anger, but I will not be ruled by it. And because I am that person I will pick myself up from my knees and I will hold on for dear life and I will turn my face to the sun and I will know that something better lies ahead.
This is the life.
-a
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