Gone quiet

Most of the time I'm an over-sharer. It's true. I share what I'm thinking and feeling the moment it happens. I want to include people in my life, to have them understand what's going on in mine, to feel a part of theirs. And then there are a few times a year when I go a little quiet. When I sit back and think and look at my life and look at my surroundings and just try to absorb what I have and take stock of what I don't. This is one of those times. This time of year, the fall, always brings it out in me. Especially around September 12th. It's the anniversary of my mom's death. 23 years this year. Unbelievable how time has passed.

I think of my mom around this time and I realize just how long it's been since I've seen her. I was 16 the last time we spoke face to face, and yet I still talk to her all the time. I think of my mom, maybe even more often now than when she was alive. Maybe because when she was here I took for granted that she'd always be around. Maybe because now that she's gone, I need a mom to talk to.

I need someone to listen to me talk about where my life is going. Am I doing the right things? Am I making good decisions? I wonder what life would have been like had my mom been here these past 23 years. Would my life have been different? Certainly. Would it have been better? Who knows. What I do know is that, for today, I can only focus on what's in front of me. It's looking too far into the future, playing the guessing game of what might happen, what could be, that I wind up off track. It's when I forget to be grounded in today that I feel disconnected. It's when I lose track of where I am that I feel lost. It's when my mind wanders to what could have been, what might have been, where things went wrong, that I second-guess myself.

So today, this fall morning, I resolve to look only to today to get things done. I am determined to keep my mind focused on what today has to offer- not to be blinded by what the future might hold, not to get mired in the past. Today I will try my best to be present, to be in the moment, to take hold of the day. Today I will decide that whatever occurred in the past cannot be undone, the future is too uncertain to predict, and the best I can do is to remember this: now is the time and today is the day, to embrace whatever got me here, to let go of the past and to be right here, right now.

After all, this is the life.