Running

So this weekend I'm running my first half-marathon. I say I'm going to run but the reality is that I may wind up walking part of the way. I have trained. I have trained harder than I thought I could. I have gotten up before 5am and I have spent more time on a treadmill than I care to repeat and I have tried to run farther and longer than ever before. And I have succeeded in that. And yet, I've never run 13.1 miles. This Sunday I will try.

And I'm worried that I won't be able to run the entire way. I set a goal for myself to run the entire time, no matter how slow, but now I'm worried I can't meet that goal. So my new goal is just to finish and not be last. But what if I am? What if I am the very last person to cross the finish line? What if I struggle to run and struggle to walk and struggle just to make it the entire way standing up? What if I can't reach my goals? What if I don't measure up to what people think I can do? What if I let myself down?

I don't want to fail. I don't want to fail in my eyes or in the eyes of my friends or in the eyes of my family. It's that feeling of disappointment that plagues me and makes me afraid to even try.

But I am going to try. I am afraid and I am scared and I am nervous, but I have set a goal and I will try to reach it. I will try to run because, for years, I could not run a step. When I was in high school I could not even run a mile. When I was going through my divorce it was a struggle to get through the day, the weight of a failing marriage was so heavy to bear. When I went through my surgeries- my prophylactic hysterectomy and mastectomy- I couldn't lift my arms above my head, I couldn't walk around the block, I couldn't hug children.

Now I can run a mile and I can get out of bed and I can hold my children. I can walk and I can run and I can dance and I can race. I have friends who will be by my side and I have friends who will be cheering me on from far away. I have family who are here and who are gone, but all of whom I carry with me in my heart. I am going to run or walk or crawl 13.1 miles on Sunday. I will do it for my mom, and my aunt, for my grandmothers and my daughters and my friends. I will run for my dad and my brothers and my grandfathers. I will run for the survivors and pre-vivors. I will run for a cure. I will run for a chance. I will go out on Sunday because there are so many who cannot. And I will try my best. And that will be good enough.

After all, this is the life.
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