Veering off course

I was listening to a Don Henley song the other day. "I was either standing in your shadow, or blocking your light." he sang. It got me thinking about my marriage. It got me thinking about how, when I was in a marriage that wasn't working, all I felt was that everywhere I went, I was in the wrong place. Everything I did and everywhere I turned felt unnatural, dishonest, wrong. It got me thinking that, while getting divorced was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, it was also one of the most honest.

Last week was my 5 year divorce-iversary. 5 years ago it was official. I was divorced. I was devastated, but I was also free. I was free to make decisions as I saw fit. I was free to be on my own and, as scary as that was, it was also liberating; made me feel giddy, made me feel lighter, made me feel open and honest and true. Getting divorced allowed me to be on my own and stand on my own two feet and live life on my terms.

Deciding to get divorced is not easy, but sometimes it is the right decision. Sometimes ending your marriage lets you decide to choose yourself and your own life and your own possibilities. Sometimes getting divorced gives you freedom you didn't know you had, didn't know you were missing, didn't know existed. Sometimes getting divorced, as hard as it is to get through and get over, allows you shine. And because I didn't want to stand in anyone's shadows, and because I didn't want to block anyone's light, and because I wanted the sun to shine upon me and because I wanted to get out from the darkness, I made a decision. A decision to move on, a decision to try again, a decision to accept the failure of my marriage, a decision to accept the decisions I made in the past but not be bound by them, a decision to choose myself and my future.

Getting divorced wasn't easy. It changed the course of my life and the lives of my children. But sometimes veering off course is exactly what we need to get our strength back. Sometimes veering off course means finding our way back to ourselves and our spirit. Sometimes veering off course puts us exactly where we need to be. Sometimes veering off course allows us to see clearly, to see what we couldn't see while we were in someone else's shadow. Sometimes veering off course is the scariest decision we'll ever make, and the best.

This is the life.
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