"The best way out is often through." - Cassandra Donaldson

So many times we just want to get to the end of the story. We want to know how things will finish: is there a happy ending, is there a moral to the story, was the struggle worth it in the end? These days, as it gets much colder and the winter begins to set in, I find myself huddled down, surrounding myself with my children and my family, embracing myself with warm clothing and the warm embrace of friends, and yet, I am still just a little cold and still just a little lonely. There are times when I can shake off the loneliness and move on quite quickly, but I find it's not as easily done in the winter.

And yet, there is no way around the fact that I am (still) single. There is no way for me to wish someone into my life, to close my eyes and make him appear. There is no path that avoids this feeling, the only way out, as Casandra Donaldson says, is through. And emotionally I know that's the case. And cerebrally I understand that I will appreciate a relationship more for having been without one for a while, and yet, it doesn't stop me from wishing it were different. Because I feel like I'm a good person and I feel like I'm working on myself and for myself, to be the best I can and to live the best I can and to find the best life I can- on my own or in a couple. And yet, I'd prefer to be in a couple, there's just no denying that.

But then I also realize that I prefer to be in a couple only if that's the healthiest way for me to be, because being in a toxic relationship is not the best thing, and being unhappily married was not the best thing, and being with someone just to have a warm body is not the best thing either. So what is it that I want? I want to be in love, but in love with the right person. I want to bring him into my life so that we can embrace each other thoughtfully and completely and honestly. I want someone to be in my life not because they have to be and not because I have to have them, but because we both, mutually and completely, want to be with each other. I have been in relationships where we were there because we thought we should be there, because it was easier than saying goodbye, because it was harder to think about taking that first step out, giving in to inertia, giving in to mediocrity.

So when I say I want to be in a relationship, I want to be honest about that too, I want it to be the right relationship. I want to fall in love with the right person, not just the convenient person. I want to be with someone who loves being with me just as much as I love being with them. And maybe that's not going to happen today, but I hope and I pray and I believe it will happen someday. But before I fall into that love, I must get through what's in front of me, including being a little lonely. And if that's a cold winter and if that's a time for internal fortitude and self-reliance, and if that's a path that I would rather not walk but must in order to get through to the other side, then I will take that first step and then another. And I will make it through. And I will survive the winter, and I will come out in the spring stronger and more alive and more vibrant for having hibernated for a time.

After all, this is the life.
-a