Disappointment and hope

I had one of those dreams last night where I woke up disappointed. Usually I wake up disappointed because the dream I was having was so great that I hate waking up; not so last night. Last night I dreamed that an old boyfriend came back into my life and that he suggested we go for a walk and talk. I remember feeling so optimistic, so excited for the possibility of reconnecting with someone from my past, someone who might mean something to my future. We went on our dream walk. It was perfect. I remember thinking that I couldn't write a novel with a better description of a lovelier path or better weather. It was exactly how I would want it to be when falling back into like or love with someone. And then as we walked he described how he had fallen in love with someone else. That he wanted to walk with me and tell me about his new love because I would understand; I would understand him and would understand his hesitation, but would be proud of how he got over his fear of commitment and was finally ready to commit... to someone else.

I felt the disappointment in my chest, in my head, in my heart. I wondered why it couldn't be me that he fell in love with, why it wasn't me that he chose as his future, why it wasn't me who was able to fix his commitment fear, why I was still alone. I berated myself for getting my hopes up. I wondered why it was that I couldn't be happy for him. Because more love in the world is a good thing. Because more happiness and more joy for someone I used to love is a gift, a reminder that hope exists, a reminder that just because you don't find love with one person does not mean that you are lost forever. And yet, I couldn't feel anything but sorry for myself.

I woke up carrying that weight of self-pity. I wondered why, even in my dreams, I was still single. Why I couldn't find love in my subconscious mind, why I couldn't find happiness and tranquility in my sleep. It bothers me that my disappointment with my search for love in my real life follows me into my sleep.

But maybe I'm not looking at the right message in the dream. Maybe my self-pity was clouding what the real message is. Maybe the message is hope. Maybe the message is that you can find someone to love, even if you haven't found it in the past. Maybe the message is that love and happiness and joy with someone else can exist in the future, even if it has eluded you in the past. Maybe the message is that even if we have been hesitant in the past, even if we have been afraid to commit and afraid to fall in love and afraid to take a chance, maybe those fears won't last forever.

So in the moments that I feel most alone, when I wonder if the love I had in the past is all I will find in this life, when I wonder if love will continue to elude me into the future, I will try to remember hope. I will try to remember that as sad and disappointed as I may be that while today I may not be in love, that doesn't mean I won't be tomorrow. Because when all else fails, you can still have hope. And hope means having something to hold on to. Hope means, when all else is lost, we will not feel so alone.

This is the life.
-a