So tomorrow's a big day for me: I turn 40. And I'm a little nervous and I'm a little excited but mostly I'm relieved. To be done with my 30s. To turn a new page and start a new chapter and start a new time in my life. To put to rest all that I wrestled with over the past decade. To put in place all that I have learned. To put together all the pieces that have been assembled over the last 10 years to make me who I am today.
My 30s were a time of great change for me. I began my 30s with a 2 month old at the start of a career, I ended with a 7 year old and 10 year old in the midst of a longer career. I was married, I am now divorced. I started blissfully unaware of my risk of breast and ovarian cancer, I ended having the BRCA gene and having prophylactic surgeries to reduce my risk and save my life. I came through storms and ran a half-marathon. I was devastated at the end of my marriage and was elated at finding myself again in the aftermath. I started thinner and more self-conscious, I ended heavier and happier and more self-aware. I was not better then than I am now, but I was different. I was newer.
And as the years have passed and as my hair has started to gray I have grown more into my skin and more comfortable with myself. I color my hair almost as often as I change my clothes and I love every iteration of my dark/light/blond/red/brown look. I straighten my hair and let it go crazy curly. I may change what I look like but I am who I am. I am old enough to know that some people will like me and others will not. And I understand both.
I am loyal and I am forgiving but I do not often forget. I am too trusting and too easily hurt but I will not change that about myself. Because it keeps me open to all that life has to offer and it allows me to feel everything. I am old enough to know that I have lived quite a life so far and I am young enough to wonder and hope for what's around the next corner. I am ready to be done by with my 30s. I am ready to be done with the turmoil that brewed throughout. I set the groundwork in my 30s to embrace my life on my terms. And I cannot wait to see what happens next.
This is the life.
-a
My 30s were a time of great change for me. I began my 30s with a 2 month old at the start of a career, I ended with a 7 year old and 10 year old in the midst of a longer career. I was married, I am now divorced. I started blissfully unaware of my risk of breast and ovarian cancer, I ended having the BRCA gene and having prophylactic surgeries to reduce my risk and save my life. I came through storms and ran a half-marathon. I was devastated at the end of my marriage and was elated at finding myself again in the aftermath. I started thinner and more self-conscious, I ended heavier and happier and more self-aware. I was not better then than I am now, but I was different. I was newer.
And as the years have passed and as my hair has started to gray I have grown more into my skin and more comfortable with myself. I color my hair almost as often as I change my clothes and I love every iteration of my dark/light/blond/red/brown look. I straighten my hair and let it go crazy curly. I may change what I look like but I am who I am. I am old enough to know that some people will like me and others will not. And I understand both.
I am loyal and I am forgiving but I do not often forget. I am too trusting and too easily hurt but I will not change that about myself. Because it keeps me open to all that life has to offer and it allows me to feel everything. I am old enough to know that I have lived quite a life so far and I am young enough to wonder and hope for what's around the next corner. I am ready to be done by with my 30s. I am ready to be done with the turmoil that brewed throughout. I set the groundwork in my 30s to embrace my life on my terms. And I cannot wait to see what happens next.
This is the life.
-a
Oh Allison, Happy Early Birthday!!!! Time to celebrate your marvelous transformation.
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY , DEAR ALLISON, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
If I were there, I would sing that to you.
Sounds like you have come a long, long way in this past decade. Isn't wonderful how much more comfortable we are in our skin as we grow older.
I, too,am aware now that some people will like me and some won't and that's A-Okay with me---as long as I like me! ha!
Truly, I hope you have a fabulous birthday weekend. Susan
Thank you so much, Susan!
ReplyDeleteAllison,
ReplyDeleteI apologize. I knew someone was missing form my blog list when I lost my data on this dumb computer. It was YOU, and I am putting you right back where you belong. Happy belated birthday. Self-actualization is good. My life began at forty; it is not a cliche`.