So we lost our big case last week. And it wasn't for lack of trying, or lack of planning, or lack of wanting, it was because, in a jury of 12 people, 9 of them voted against us. And that's the thing about the jury process: you put it all out there and someone else judges what you've presented. They look through their eyes and their experience and they filter what they can and can't understand, and they sift through what they can and can't decide and then come out on the other end with a decision. This time, for this trial, the decision wasn't in our favor.

It's not that I haven't lost other cases (although I've won more than I've lost), it's just that this case was unlike other cases. It started 12 1/2 years ago. It took millions of pages provided and divided and reviewed. It took 8 attorneys on our side and many times that on the other. It took time and tremendous effort and patience and perserverance and faith when times got tough. In the 9 years I have been involved in the case my oldest child has grown from a toddler to a pre-teen, I have had a second child, I have gotten divorced, I have moved houses. I have had to travel more in one summer than I have in years before. I have worked long hours. I have gained and lost weight. I have been changed by what I have learned.

I have made new friends and honed my skills and gone toe-to-toe with the best attorneys money can buy, and in many skirmishes I came out ahead. I have more confidence in my abilities and my fellow partners. I believe in myself and what I can do. I believe we were on the right side morally and ethically and legally. But we did not win and that is more difficult for me to accept that I had imagined.

Because while this case and this work required long and sometimes tedious attention, the fight was one worth taking on. We took on an industry that tries to punish its adversaries with more money and more man-power and more attacks. But we survived it all and made it to the end. And the losing stings but the loss of all that effort takes my breath away. We fought for our clients who are worthy and strong and compassionate. We fought for ourselves and the life we had poured into this work for all of these years. And though we fought the good fight, the right fight, in the end we did not win. But hopefully, in time, we will see the reason for this, because I firmly believe a reason lies in every outcome. Hopefully, in time, we will realize just how spectacular it all was, this trial of our lives. Hopefully, in time, we will remember just how far we've come and how much grown and how much we've learned. Hopefully, in time, we will understand just how we've been changed for having engaged in this battle. And hopefully, in time, the reason for all of this will be revealed and we will smile and nod with understanding that the sting and the pain and the sadness of the loss will have led us places we can only wish to have travelled.

After all, this is the life.


  1. Your attitude will see you through. As dissapointing as it is on so many levels, I do believe that there is a reason for everything. My best to you. I have missed spiritually jogging with you. You're back on my blog.

  2. As Dad said, "It's the journey that counts, not the final destination." The experience you gained is priceless and will only benefit you from here on out, and you are now one of the premier trial attorneys in St. Louis! However, it's back to doing what you love and as I tell myself when things go wrong, "Live and learn and life goes on." Love you, love you, love you!!! Cindy, Jeff, Maya, and Jake


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