It's pretty common for my divorce clients to tell me, in the midst of the divorce, that they miss their spouse. They want to keep going with the divorce and they know they are going to be happier not being married to the other person, but there is still something inside them that nags, wonders, ponders and wishes for the other person to wake up, for the nightmare to be over, for their life to get back to how it "used to be."
But in talking with my clients more, I ask them if it's the other person they miss, or just the thought of the other person? Is it that they want their life back "how it used to be" or do they want a life that they imagined was true but in reality was not? Do they really miss the other person or do they miss who they hoped they were?
In all of our lives we survive break-ups and there are inevitably times where you stop and think and have a pang. You hear a song, you see a couple walking hand in hand, you pick up a book or a picture and the memories come flooding in. But that's the thing about memories, they are in the past. They are no longer true. And the reality that you remember being brought back by the nostalgia is often our best-colored remembrance of a time that was, and not an accurate reflection of what really happened.
Because in order to get where you are today, in order to get to the present situation where you are breaking up or divorcing, there was a lot that happened after the memory occurred. There were situations that brought you to where you are today. And while you may think you miss someone, I suspect you really just miss the thought of who you wanted them to be. I suspect that you are mourning the loss of your hopes, that you are grieving the possibilities that never occurred, that you are saddened by the reality and not by the loss of spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend or best friend. I suspect that who the person really is became strikingly clear over time, and that is what led you to where you are today.
So the loss is not of what was, but is instead of what could have been. And in those times of missing the person and wishing for a different outcome, remind yourself that breaking up or moving on might lead you right where you want to be- might lead you to true love- might lead you to your soul mate. It doesn't hurt to wish for more and take steps in that direction. The missing of the person is just a reminder to you of what you want your love to look like and reminds you to keep your eyes open for what may come your way sooner than you think.
After all, this is the life.
-a
But in talking with my clients more, I ask them if it's the other person they miss, or just the thought of the other person? Is it that they want their life back "how it used to be" or do they want a life that they imagined was true but in reality was not? Do they really miss the other person or do they miss who they hoped they were?
In all of our lives we survive break-ups and there are inevitably times where you stop and think and have a pang. You hear a song, you see a couple walking hand in hand, you pick up a book or a picture and the memories come flooding in. But that's the thing about memories, they are in the past. They are no longer true. And the reality that you remember being brought back by the nostalgia is often our best-colored remembrance of a time that was, and not an accurate reflection of what really happened.
Because in order to get where you are today, in order to get to the present situation where you are breaking up or divorcing, there was a lot that happened after the memory occurred. There were situations that brought you to where you are today. And while you may think you miss someone, I suspect you really just miss the thought of who you wanted them to be. I suspect that you are mourning the loss of your hopes, that you are grieving the possibilities that never occurred, that you are saddened by the reality and not by the loss of spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend or best friend. I suspect that who the person really is became strikingly clear over time, and that is what led you to where you are today.
So the loss is not of what was, but is instead of what could have been. And in those times of missing the person and wishing for a different outcome, remind yourself that breaking up or moving on might lead you right where you want to be- might lead you to true love- might lead you to your soul mate. It doesn't hurt to wish for more and take steps in that direction. The missing of the person is just a reminder to you of what you want your love to look like and reminds you to keep your eyes open for what may come your way sooner than you think.
After all, this is the life.
-a
"I suspect you really just miss the thought of who you wanted them to be. I suspect that you are mourning the loss of your hopes, that you are grieving the possibilities that never occurred, that you are saddened by the reality and not by the loss of spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend or best friend. I suspect that who the person really is became strikingly clear over time, and that is what led you to where you are today."
ReplyDeleteTrue dat. Sho nuff.