Puzzle pieces

Often when we get out a relationship we are relieved and also confused. We are happy to be out of something that wasn't working, but we wonder why it didn't work. We question ourselves and our choices. We question our future and our past. We question where we are and where we're going. We wonder why it didn't work, was it us or the other person? I think the answer is simple: it was both.

Fitting people together in a relationship is like a puzzle. We look around. We see some colors and shapes that seem to fit together in the big picture. We take the pieces and we work them this way and that. We try to make them fit. We try to make them stay. We try to mold them and push them and change them to be the pieces we need them to be. But here's the thing about a puzzle, the pieces fit or they don't. Whether they seem like they should doesn't matter a whit, the question is whether they actually fit. The question is whether they were made for each other.

People are like that too. We are each perfect and flawed in our particular way. We are strong in some ways and weak in others. We are exactly who we are and while we can change degrees, we can't and we shouldn't make an about-face to be someone we're not. And in looking for someone to engage with, we need to remember that while they may seem perfect on paper, while it may seem like a match on the outside, while it makes sense empirically, the question is not whether I'm right or you're wrong, the question is whether you are right for me and I for you.

Each of us brings to a relationship what we have learned in the past. In looking for someone new, we want to mesh just like puzzle pieces that are meant for each other. And if, in the relationship, things don't work out, it can be frustrating and aggravating; it can be depressing and deflating. It's even worse when the person finds someone new because then you question what it is you did wrong, how you could have been different, how you could have changed. But it wasn't for you to change and it wasn't for you to mold yourself to be who you are not. The relationship didn't work because the pieces didn't fit. The relationship didn't work because you were not a matched pair. The relationship didn't work because he was not for you or she was not the right one.

So in the interim enjoy what you have. In the meantime, take time for yourself. In the moments between relationships take what you need for you. Because your puzzle piece is out there and it may just take some time to figure out who it is that actually fits.

This is the life.


  1. I have been clicking on your site everyday hoping for a new enlightened writing and I just got exactly what I needed. I have been feeling so sad and lonely as of late being single again. I have been questioning and questioning and feeling horrible. Thanks again for helping me see just what I needed to see. xoxo


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