Acceptance

I once had someone ask me if I was comfortable in my own skin. Sounds like an easy question, but the answer is not so simple, nor is the answer the same each day. There are days when I feel totally myself. When I am at peace, when I think the world is as it should be, when I am optimistic and hopeful and comfortable. As I get older, I have more of those days than in my younger days, and for that I am grateful. But there are still those days when I feel like I am not good enough or thin enough or young enough; there are days when I am off-kilter, when I am un-centered, when I am wriggly and wrinkly and want to shimmy myself into someone else's skin or slink off to somewhere else. Those days still get to me, and letting them get to me makes me feel even worse.

I admire people who are thin and happy, or fat and happy, or medium-thick and happy. I admire those who wear their body shape easily and accept themselves exactly as they are. I am that person some days as well. When I feel good and confident, when I am not ruled by what the scale says or doesn't say, when I am not governed by the voice in my head that wonders what to eat and when to eat. I have those days. And I have others.

I have other days when I feel like I can't catch a break. When I sit and I wonder if I exercised enough or if I did too much. If I ate the right foods or if I did more harm than good. Those days when that voice in my head questions and questions where I am and what I look like are difficult and tiring and demoralizing. So I wonder what I can do to turn off that switch and turn it around.

Maybe the answer is to look at what I have done and not what I'm lacking. Maybe if I take a look at what my body has been through - children and surgery, testing and prodding and hoping to prevent disease- I will silence that voice. I have taken my body through wonderful times of bringing new life to this world, and I have taken drastic measures to prevent ovarian and breast cancer. The scars that I have and the scars that I carry should remind me that, no matter what I feel today, at least I am here to feel it all, at least I am here to experience this life, at least I am here to be sad or to be grateful.

So maybe in those moments of self-doubt the answer is to close my eyes and be grateful. Because every day here is another day of possibility. Every self-doubt is just a reminder to be grounded. Every joyous day is another step in the right direction. Every moment that I have is one that I fought for.

And I didn't fight to berate myself and I didn't fight to demean myself, I fought to be here, every day, and to live it the best I can. And if my best is thinner than yesterday or if my best is not, I'm here. And I tried. I did the best I could for where I was yesterday and I will do the best I can for where I am today. And really, that's all anyone can ask of anyone else and of themselves. So my goal today is to stop that voice inside my head that may whisper that I am not good enough exactly as I am, because that voice is wrong. I am here. I am a fighter. Today I will try and today and I will fight, and I will wake again tomorrow and do it all over again.

After all, this is the life.
-a