There is a picture that I have in my house that I can't seem to get rid of - it is a print that I purchased on my honeymoon. And when I say "I" purchased it on my honeymoon, I mean "we" purchased it on our honeymoon. I have been able to move a lot of items out of my house- given to charity, returned to my ex- but this is one picture I can't give away and I can't sell. I am holding onto it and I don't know why. And that not knowing why is aggravating to me.
It's not that I am holding on to my ex and it's not that I am holding on to our marriage, I think what I'm holding on to is that idea of that time in my life when I thought all was right and I thought all was good. When I was optimistic and hopeful and my life was beginning to resemble what I had assumed it would resemble at some point: married with a good job as an attorney, moving into a new house and beginning adulthood; moving away from being single and moving into becoming a family of my own.
That was my reality for a while, until it wasn't any longer. And the hopes that I had for my future were never realized and my future became something that I never pictured. Maybe that's why I can't let go of my honeymoon print, because it represents what I had pictured in my mind but it also represents what that picture no longer looks like.
My life may be different than I thought it would be but my life is also much better than I thought it would be. Because it turns out that getting divorced and out of a marriage that wasn't working freed me to become the person I have wanted to be for a very long time. Independent and thoughtful, extroverted and compassionate, nurturing and motivating, happy and optimistic. Maybe I wouldn't be any of those things if my life had turned out the way I wanted it to be when we purchased that picture, but maybe my life turned out exactly as it needed to be long after the picture was ours.
Perhaps I can't get rid of that picture because I'm not meant to do so right now. It could be that in time the picture will go where my other mementos from that time have gone- boxed up or given away. Or it could be that that picture stays with me for as long as I choose to remember that while my life turned out to look differently than I thought it would, it also is turning out better than I could have imagined.
After all, this is the life.
-a
It's not that I am holding on to my ex and it's not that I am holding on to our marriage, I think what I'm holding on to is that idea of that time in my life when I thought all was right and I thought all was good. When I was optimistic and hopeful and my life was beginning to resemble what I had assumed it would resemble at some point: married with a good job as an attorney, moving into a new house and beginning adulthood; moving away from being single and moving into becoming a family of my own.
That was my reality for a while, until it wasn't any longer. And the hopes that I had for my future were never realized and my future became something that I never pictured. Maybe that's why I can't let go of my honeymoon print, because it represents what I had pictured in my mind but it also represents what that picture no longer looks like.
My life may be different than I thought it would be but my life is also much better than I thought it would be. Because it turns out that getting divorced and out of a marriage that wasn't working freed me to become the person I have wanted to be for a very long time. Independent and thoughtful, extroverted and compassionate, nurturing and motivating, happy and optimistic. Maybe I wouldn't be any of those things if my life had turned out the way I wanted it to be when we purchased that picture, but maybe my life turned out exactly as it needed to be long after the picture was ours.
Perhaps I can't get rid of that picture because I'm not meant to do so right now. It could be that in time the picture will go where my other mementos from that time have gone- boxed up or given away. Or it could be that that picture stays with me for as long as I choose to remember that while my life turned out to look differently than I thought it would, it also is turning out better than I could have imagined.
After all, this is the life.
-a
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