Holding back

I was talking to a friend the other day who said she wants to write a book. She edits for a living but someday hopes to sit down and pen her masterpiece. In the interim she has ideas that come to her. Sentences or plots or characters, and she jots these down and hides them away for a time when she can use them, for a time when she can give them the consideration they truly deserve.

I do the same thing- with my writing and in my life. I write down ideas but then I leave them be; for a week or a year, waiting for a time when I feel confident I will know exactly how to develop these ideas and exactly how to write them. In my life I sometimes wait to say what I feel or what I am thinking. To those who know me this may seem like the. most. ridiculous. thing. they. have. ever. heard. because I often say what's on my mind, with or without prior consideration. I have tried in my life to think more before I speak, but that theory is more theory than reality with me. Except with things that scare me. Except when I am afraid that revealing too much of me will be too much and frighten away those I want most to love, to have them love me in return.

I think it's common when we have been through a divorce or a difficult relationship that we are hesitant to let ourselves be who we are one hundred percent of the time for fear of that rejection felt in the past. But it's when we change who we are because of someone else, because of our fear, that we deny ourselves the ability to connect on a true level. We cannot cherish and be cherished if we don't open up; we cannot allow love in if we close ourselves off.

So to my friend I say, "Write as it comes to you and see what happens next. Don't hide away your precious ideas, breathe into them and sink deep." To myself I say, "Fear will change you to be who you are not. Don't allow your past to limit you. Be who you are right now and for always. Those who will love you will love you for all; those who do not were not meant to anyway."

Remember this is the life and embrace it fully.
- a

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