I was talking to a friend the other day about relationships, about deciding when you have had enough as opposed to when you want to keep working at it, and I think it comes down to this: while the relationship is not perfect, is it worth fighting for? I think we have to remind ourselves, and we have to be honest with ourselves, that just as we are not perfect, neither is any relationship. This is true of friendships and of love; this is true of parenting and in work. The question is not whether something better is out there, the question is whether you are invested enough in staying to stick it out and try and try again.
The fairy tales that we hear when we are younger about best friends forever or finding true love, leave out the part about having a bad day or six in a row, about having a bad fight or having a difficult time. But if we believe that having a bad day with that person is better than having a bad day on our own, then maybe we can appreciate the kernel of goodness and "right"-ness that is in the relationship itself.
It's when we would rather step forward alone, when we would rather wallow alone, when we would rather be miserable alone than commiserate with another, that we may need to look straight at the relationship and the other person and decide to go it alone. It may be that while we appreciate that nothing is perfect, we still decide to turn away from the imperfect in front of us.
And while the choice of staying or going is one we always have, we need to make sure we don't make the decision hastily or take it lightly. Because there may always be regret at having walked away- when we look back at what we had with rosier glasses- but if we know deep down that we would rather take a chance without that person, then perhaps those rosy glasses won't seem so temping.
So make a choice but choose wisely. Choose thoughtfully. Choose carefully. Because while saying goodbye may seem like the easiest answer, it may not be the right one. Remember why you chose that person in the first place, remember why you stayed as long as you did. Remember all the good times and remember your hopes for the future. Think about it all and remember that there are no perfect fairy tales. And if after all of that you still want to move on, give yourself the credit for having considered it all when you decide to start all over again.
After all, this is the life.
- a
The fairy tales that we hear when we are younger about best friends forever or finding true love, leave out the part about having a bad day or six in a row, about having a bad fight or having a difficult time. But if we believe that having a bad day with that person is better than having a bad day on our own, then maybe we can appreciate the kernel of goodness and "right"-ness that is in the relationship itself.
It's when we would rather step forward alone, when we would rather wallow alone, when we would rather be miserable alone than commiserate with another, that we may need to look straight at the relationship and the other person and decide to go it alone. It may be that while we appreciate that nothing is perfect, we still decide to turn away from the imperfect in front of us.
And while the choice of staying or going is one we always have, we need to make sure we don't make the decision hastily or take it lightly. Because there may always be regret at having walked away- when we look back at what we had with rosier glasses- but if we know deep down that we would rather take a chance without that person, then perhaps those rosy glasses won't seem so temping.
So make a choice but choose wisely. Choose thoughtfully. Choose carefully. Because while saying goodbye may seem like the easiest answer, it may not be the right one. Remember why you chose that person in the first place, remember why you stayed as long as you did. Remember all the good times and remember your hopes for the future. Think about it all and remember that there are no perfect fairy tales. And if after all of that you still want to move on, give yourself the credit for having considered it all when you decide to start all over again.
After all, this is the life.
- a
Hi Allison: Enjoyed your post. Yah, relationships, all of them, have their moments of challenge, of doubt, of discouragement.
ReplyDeleteI think most are worth fighting for. In marriage, so many people call it quits, divorce, and many eventually re-marry. They find that with the new partner, there are NEW problems! We are, after all, very human.
Was glad to see your post. Your writing is always very insightful and meaningful. Thanks for sharing. Susan
Thank you, Susan!
ReplyDeleteI sincerely believe that if we all made a conscious effort to treat one another with kindness and respect, life in general would be easier. You make some great points.
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