When you're dreaming with a broken heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part." I was listening to that John Mayer song this week, because I am a little heartbroken. It's hard saying goodbye to a relationship you thought had so much promise, it's hard admitting when it's over, it's hard ending it, it's hard after it has closed. And I think it's the aftermath that is the toughest thing to get past- saying goodbye but then not being able to communicate with that other person- for a little while or for forever.

I think it's the ending of the communication that is the most shocking. Reaching out for someone each day to connect with them and tell them about your day and what happened, the good and the disappointing. And then suddenly that's over. Suddenly you question whether to call or text, you second guess and suppress the urge to share with them, this person who is no longer in your life, in one swift moment, in one fell swoop.

Maybe reaching out is selfish. Maybe wondering if they are ok is no longer your concern and no longer wanted or appreciated. Maybe worrying is a device we use to make ourselves feel better about the relationship ending. Maybe we have to give up on that person as a significant part of our lives to have them move away and help us move on.

But giving up on something that held such promise, giving up on someone you cared about so much, giving up on that love, giving up on that hope, hurts in our soul. We can feel that loss way deep in our core, soaking us down through our toes and filling us up to our heart.

Maybe the feeling of such loss is an honor to what once was. Maybe the difficulty giving up is the understanding of how much we loved. Maybe the giving up is so hard because of the happiness we once felt. We feel what we had and we feel it no longer there. The loss is something we can touch, it is something real that we feel, so how do we let it go? We know that it hurts but we also know it's not forever, one breath at a time, one moment each day.

This is the life.