It's the small moments

I'm planning a Bat Mitzvah for my oldest daughter and was talking to a friend about everything that needs to be done- the little details I need to remember, the little decorations and favors and timing that need to be set out. And as we were talking I suddenly burst into tears- not because I was overwhelmed with what had to be done, but because I was overwhelmed at the reminder that my mom is not here to help me.

It's funny, the way those moments take you by surprise. September will mark 26 years since my mom passed away and while I think about her often, so much time has passed that I'm no longer overcome by the sadness of not having her here.... until I become acutely aware that she is not. When I don't know whether to use flowers or balloons as a centerpiece, when I don't know whether to do all pasta or add some meatballs for a "St. Louis Italian dinner theme" for out-of-towners, when I don't know whether to wear black or a print or a color for pictures- all the things she would know the answer to immediately, all the things you need a mom with you to discuss.

So while I miss her at the big moments (weddings and birthdays, divorces and deaths) I maybe miss her most at smaller moments of planning and thinking, of talking and wishing. I miss my mom not because I need to lean on her, but because I want to have her with me as I live my life, as my daughters grow up, as events play out before me that I would like to have her here to share. So as I get older and as more time passes, I may not miss my mom as frequently but I may miss her more sharply. And while I'm not sure that will ever go away, I'm honestly not sure that I ever want it to.

This is the life.


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