Pointing fingers

One thing I am very good at is pointing fingers at others. I am good at pointing out what I think is wrong, how I think they could have handled a situation differently, how they can do better in the future. One thing I am not so good at is turning that pointing finger back at myself and asking where I went wrong. But I'm working on it. And I think I'm getting better at it.

As I get older and have more life to look back on, I see these patterns emerge that I couldn't see before. Seeing where past relationships went off course and recognizing my role in how things went wrong. I can also see that I have repeated the same pattern again and again in my romantic life, how I have chosen the same men (despite me thinking they were so different), how I keep winding up in the same situation (despite me telling myself "never again".)

So now I am going to take things slow. I am going to walk as if there was a possible patch of ice under my feet, not so that I don't step forward, but so that each step I take is thoughtful. Because the only way not to take the same path again and again is to take stock of where you are and be considerate of each step forward. If I really don't want to wind up thinking "How did I get here again?!" I need to appreciate where it is I am going.

I have always been a jump-in-now-and-sort-it-out-later kind of person, but maybe it's time to look before I leap. To have the intention to leap, but have the wherewithal to think first. To be unafraid, but be thoughtful. To be optimistic but not be blind. To live my life fully but not foolishly. To be where I am, to embrace where I'm going, and to be aware of each stop along the way.

After all, this is the life.


  1. Self improvement and growth collided in my fifth decade. Those who knew me said, He changed you. I knew better: he allowed me to be me.


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