These days I am learning a lot of lessons. How to try to live in the same space with my family when we are all using that space for work and for school and for meals and for sleep and for fun. How to try to keep track of days when they all seem to be the same. How to keep a demarcation between weekdays and weekends at a time when they could all easily run together. And while looking at 1000 piece puzzle strewn about my dining room table last night which had the exact opposite effect from calming me down and making me feel in control, how to to live every minute of every day while feeling completely overwhelmed.
I am really not good at the last. I like to plan and to know what's going to happen next. I like to try to feel like I have some semblance of ownership over my life and my destiny. I like to set goals and attain them. And being side-lined in my work in this way when that work plays such a tremendously large role both in making me feel productive each day personally and as a member of society is not just challenging, it can be debilitating at times. It can leave me down on my knees in a state of anger and shock and sadness. And it makes me scared... really really scared.
And I know I am not the only one who feels like this because this is a storm we are all caught in together, but it still feels lonely. It still feels so extremely personal. It still feels like it is knocking the wind out of my lungs and the get-up-and-go out of my step.
So what to do? I am going to try to just take it one day at a time. To not look at what may happen, to not try to foretell the future. I'm going to just try to take today and count over and over again the things that I am grateful for and to try to turn my energy to that. Because that is the only way I can think of to combat this anxiety. Gratitude. Minute by minute. Until maybe, things start to feel less uncertain and less scary and the storm starts to subside.
Lesson learned.
-a
I am really not good at the last. I like to plan and to know what's going to happen next. I like to try to feel like I have some semblance of ownership over my life and my destiny. I like to set goals and attain them. And being side-lined in my work in this way when that work plays such a tremendously large role both in making me feel productive each day personally and as a member of society is not just challenging, it can be debilitating at times. It can leave me down on my knees in a state of anger and shock and sadness. And it makes me scared... really really scared.
And I know I am not the only one who feels like this because this is a storm we are all caught in together, but it still feels lonely. It still feels so extremely personal. It still feels like it is knocking the wind out of my lungs and the get-up-and-go out of my step.
So what to do? I am going to try to just take it one day at a time. To not look at what may happen, to not try to foretell the future. I'm going to just try to take today and count over and over again the things that I am grateful for and to try to turn my energy to that. Because that is the only way I can think of to combat this anxiety. Gratitude. Minute by minute. Until maybe, things start to feel less uncertain and less scary and the storm starts to subside.
Lesson learned.
-a
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