I was talking to a friend the other day who was afraid her relationship was ending and it reminded me of when my marriage was breaking up. She was sad and afraid and despondent. She didn't want it to end. It wasn't her choice. It wasn't her idea. And she was thinking of everything she could do to try to make him stay. She could beg and plead. She could call and text. She could make her case over and over again for why they should try to make it work. She could turn herself inside out to try to make herself be what he wanted. But in the end, not only will that not work, it will make the relationship end even faster.
Someone who has questions about a relationship is looking for answers. They are looking for time to be with their thoughts. They are looking for quiet. They are looking for room to breathe. They feel suffocated and overwhelmed and feel like they have no choice but to leave. So the exact thing that they don't need is more pressure and less space.
It's our instinct to want to hold on to something that we love and don't want to lose, and when the threat of that loss becomes evident, we want to hold on tighter. But we need to fight against instinct. We need to do what the other person is doing and take time and space. We need to be less needy. We need to be less demanding. We need to be the person who holds the relationship in the palm of their hand, not the clench of their fist. We want someone to decide to stay, not because they feel forced or coerced, but because they choose to want to be there.
So as hard as it may be, and as much as every cell in your being wants to cling to that person, let that go. Let them have freedom. Let them have what they need to decide on their own, to stay or to go. It will be hard if they leave, it will be harder if you try to force them to stay. And in the end, it will work out the way that it should, even if you can't see it clearly right now.
Lesson learned.
-a
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